


this is fine

by ang_gray_smol



Category: Noli Me Tangere & Related Works - José Rizal
Genre: Angst, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Pining, heavily inspired by waltz of four left feet by shirebound and busking, lapslock, placido just wants juanito to notice him goddammit, summary and end note are lyrics from the song, written because we all need a dash of penilaez in our life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-12
Updated: 2016-11-12
Packaged: 2018-08-30 13:19:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8534722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ang_gray_smol/pseuds/ang_gray_smol
Summary: hindi ko naman yata ikamamatay
  
  kung hindi ko mahawakan ang iyong kamay





	

**Author's Note:**

> [tumblr](http://almightytrashcan.tumblr.com/post/153079042598/this-is-fine)

placido does not need to think much to know that he’s been glancing at juanito too many times now during class.

it’s not a nervous habit, nor is it a much more comfortable position, turning your head to a different direction to ease your neck muscles. a human being is merely looking at another human being.

placido does not want to comment on how his heart flutters every time he sees juanito smile.

sure, everyone smiles, and everyone’s smiles are different but at the same time similar, but placido swears that juanito’s stands out. maybe because most of the time it’s in jest and it’s never taken seriously, but it’s so often and spontaneous and placido has never see someone who smiled that much before.

placido does not hesitate to stop when he hears juanito play on the violin.

despite the other’s usual playful personality, there is a stark difference to him once the bow hits the strings and produces wonderful sounds due to the bow vibrating when it is dragged across the string. it is as though the music has captured him and made him their own—the harbinger of death and melancholy, the messenger of the gods, anything but a hunchback and his violin—and placido is deeply enthralled.

it is too much his articulated, eloquent words. no, words are not even enough to describe the beauty of one’s music, but placido only has them.

placido balls a hand into a fist when he sees juanito flirting with someone.

they’re not close. they _never_ were. juanito would perpetually irritate placido whenever he’s studying, to which placido would push him away and demand that he study in peace, but seeing juanito being so bold and romantic in front of another person makes placido’s blood boil. he doesn’t know why, he doesn’t want to _know_ why, and he would rather not know why he doesn’t have the guts to do something about it.

placido takes a deep breath when juanito looks at someone else.

there isn’t even any context to it. he’s just looking at someone. maybe one of their classmates while he’s in the classroom, a student of the ateneo when he walks around intramuros, or a girl of one of the municipal schools. his eyes would follow the moving form, and then they’d switch to something else, probably an object or another person.

placido has a sick thought, and it keeps chanting, “look at me, look at me, look at me, look _only_ at me…” yet nothing ever happens.

placido feels his heart drop when juanito mentions that he has a liking towards paulita gomez.

it was inevitable. no one can control the beating of someone’s heart.

placido cannot control the beating of his own heart inasmuch as juanito cannot control his. it was only inevitable.

so why did it hurt?

he had no right to control juanito’s feelings. he should be happy just like the rest of the guys, and encourage him to try courting her even if she already had someone. he could be his usual self, looking at him with a bored expression then telling him to do what he wants to do. he had no right to control juanito’s feelings. he wasn’t in the position to control someone’s feelings.

so why did it hurt?

instinct has taught humans that if something hurts, it needs to be cured. otherwise it will worsen each passing day, and the possibility of it getting cured lessens.

it hurts, placido knows it hurts like hell, and a wound like this needs immediate treatment, but he leaves the wound gaping open, though hidden from the world. it is a trophy of sorts, a brand to show that he is still alive (but in very deep pain).

 _it’s fine_ , placido thought. he meets the dumb bastard every day in classes, so he was always within reach. nothing horrible would ever happen if he didn’t really get the chance to hold his hand for one semester. the school wouldn’t blow up if he didn’t say what he really wanted to say. the world would still keep moving, and time would still be running.

 _but still_ , placido added, _i’m just another human being who’ll soon die and will not even be remembered as someone who did something like remotely making history. if i couldn’t do something as simple as telling juanito i like him, then i’m no different from all the nameless dead._

 

 

 

“hey, juanito.”

he turned around, and saw placido standing there very rigidly, like his feet grew roots and he couldn’t move. placido’s head was bowed down, but juanito could see that placido’s lips were drawn into a very thin line.

“placido? what’s up?”

there was an awkward silence for a few seconds. juanito wasn’t uncomfortable, but he could sense that placido needed to tell him something direly important.

“placido?”

he suddenly raised his head, and juanito was nearly taken aback by the burning ferocity in the other’s eyes.

juanito pushed his hands in front. “if i ever did something to offend you then i apologize so please don’t murder me!” he said very rapidly.

placido inhaled. juanito braced himself to get stabbed by a balisong (if placido ever carried one).

“i like you.”

the voice came out softer than usual. juanito looked at placido, confused.

“placido, are you okay?” he poked the other’s cheek. “is this your doppleganger or something?”

“juanito,” placido said firmly. “i’m not joking.”

“i like you.”

“and i’m sorry.”

they held each other’s gaze. the ferocity in placido’s eyes was still there.

juanito’s gaze softened. “you expected this, didn’t you?”

placido averted his eyes, a pale pink creeping up his neck.

“i...just wanted you to know.”

he turned his back to juanito, and began walking away from him. juanito made no move to stop him, and watched the retreating figure grow smaller and smaller until it vanished.

 

 

 

in the empty physics lab, placido absent-mindedly stared at an odd device locked in its glass cabinet. the wound in his heart was still open, still painful.

“if love was a cliff,” he said to no one in particular, “i would still be falling right now.”

 _but_ , he thought, _this is fine_.

**Author's Note:**

> _handa kong mabuhay sa aking kalokohan_


End file.
